


Dead Man's Eulogy

by Gleaminginthespotlight



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Based on a song, F/M, Flashbacks, How Do I Tag, Little bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28221501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleaminginthespotlight/pseuds/Gleaminginthespotlight
Summary: He felt like he knew her through all of it though. Knew her favorite books, the songs she would dance to in her room, the movies she would watch as comfort films. He knew her antics when she had a bad day and the things that could set her off. And she right back knew all about him. Knew about his ticks, the things that would set him off. She knew his favorite songs, the color his eyes would turn when they were filled with rage. She knew the songs he would sing along to in the car. And mostly she knew him. And he knew her.
Relationships: Rory Gilmore/Jess Mariano
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Dead Man's Eulogy

**_"Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither_ **

**_do you."_ **

Jess had never been a dreamer before, he never believed in the good things in the world. If there wasn't a reason behind these things he would refuse to believe. Call him a cynic, call him whatever you wanted. He wouldn't care. All he knew was he didn't believe in the things in the world that were put in front of him. Maybe it was because of the things that would build around him. All he knew was he didn't see the point in seeing things as better than they were. 

Oscar Wilde once spoke. “A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.” and he believed those words to be true for him. He walked through life keeping his head at a firm level and not wanting anything to poke a hole in his shell. He had spent too long building up his walls just to let someone knock them down. Maybe he needed to find himself. Maybe he needed to see what good came in the world. Maybe though, he was a lost cause and needed to stop chasing the ideas he could be fixed. 

That's when he met Rory Gilmore. 

He looked at her from across the room and his automatic thought was “wow she's magic.” He looked at the way her bright blue eyes shone brighter than anything else and his immediate thought was if she wanted to drown him in them. He would let her. He thought of her as someone who would surely cause the giants to fall and would make the blind see. Or… something like that. But what he knew was she didn't belong. 

And maybe neither did he. 

Didn't belong in Stars Hollow. Didn't belong in a small town where everyone knew her name. She deserved a place where the world was waiting for her to explore it. He knew she had an emotional attachment to the little place. And he didn't blame her for it. Never could. Home is where you plant your roots. And he was yet to plant his.

_ "I have a question for you." The dark-haired girl made out of autumn leaves and apple cider asked as she looked up at you.  _

_ You raise a brow and chuckle lightly "I might have an answer." Your reply comes and you're a little scared admittedly of what she might ask. She takes a deep breath before she takes your hand.  _

_ "What does Jess dream of doing in life?" And you go wide-eyed at this entire thing. You didn't have a dream. And whatever was sure to come out of your mouth in a snarky fashion you were sure would get your shoulder smacked. _

_ "Jesus Christ. You're getting all philosophical with me now." You say sticking your hands up as to say 'don't fire chief' and she pushes you slightly. With a little bit of bite behind your tone you look over at her. "Living to see 21. Maybe publish a book along the way." You say and you skip a stone into the water. You truly wonder what's going on inside of her mind. _

All of this was in the past as he saw it. All of this was something that he didn't expect to happen. But as it did. He didn't know how to feel about the entire situation. So he did what he did best and he decided not to feel. Took him a little bit as he walked by her in passing. From little moments here and there to hearing arguments she would have with her mom. Public arguments he didn't expect to hear between the mother and daughter. He knew he shouldn’t have done this but in the past he would find himself wanting to defend Rory. He felt like he knew her better than anyone else. But maybe this wasn't the case. He listened to the conversation take place, watching Rory walk away. Her heels hit against the grown as she walked away. He wanted to run after her and help her in some way. She wasn't his problem though, this wasn't his war to rage, his battle to take place in. And Hell truly knew no bounds as an angry Lorelai Gilmore. 

He felt like he knew her through all of it though. Knew her favorite books, the songs she would dance to in her room, the movies she would watch as comfort films. He knew her antics when she had a bad day and the things that could set her off. And she right back knew all about him. Knew about his ticks, the things that would set him off. She knew his favorite songs, the color his eyes would turn when they were filled with rage. She knew the songs he would sing along to in the car. And mostly she knew him. And he knew her. 

_ “Run away with me.” he once told her. Even if this was a summer love he wanted nothing more than to spend it by her. To hear her heartbeat and hold her hand as they drove. She raised a brow as she looked at him. _

_ “Where would we go?” she asked and they were laying on a blanket on a hill outside of Stars Hollow. He didn't think that far but he had some ideas of where they could go. Wherever it was, he wanted her next to him the entire time. _

He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, watching as she passed him. She looked mad, like a blaze of fire about to set off. And he sighed. Usually he was the hot tempered one, not her. Usually he was the one that took things to their breaking point. She wasn't like this usually. What had brought her to this breaking point? He ignored it for that moment. Wanting to act as if nothing had been happening, though it truly was. She looked back for one moment, making eye contact with him. And he froze. He knew those eyes. And knew that the sky was turning dark because they were jealous of the blues in Rory Gilmore’s features. There was something about the determined look that scattered across her features in waves that made it seem as if she could do anything. And that determination kept her going, it kept both of you going, because even when it felt like he was falling. That little light, that flicker of hope kept you both going. Even on the days where you felt like screaming and running in the opposite direction.

You would often flee areas as soon as you got close to them. So you leaned back, crashing down and letting your back hit the Stars Hollow bench that sat in the middle of the park. You weren't sure why you were here. Maybe you wanted to read a book, maybe you were interested in the people ( ha.. yeah right). But all of that went away now. You pulled yourself off the bench and ran in the direction you saw the brunette girl storm off to. And you wonder. Who truly was this girl that left chaos in her midst. And had you known her properly?

_ "Luke basically says I have to get my act together if I want to stay in town." You explained to her as the two of you were walking through the town. The lights of Christmas were dangling up above every lamppost. And you were sure that people who saw you would just think it was a romantic walk.  _

_ "Geez he isn't a fan of your rugged bad boy nature." She says and ruffles your hair with her spare hand. The hand that she isn't carrying five books in, when you carry the other seven or so. You found a discount book store and the two of you had to go.  _

_ You rolled your eyes at the comment. "I guess not." She looks up at you now with concern dancing across her features. She seems worried and you don't really know exactly what to say. _

_ "So. Are you going to do what he asked?" She asks after a beat and you look over at her. You weren't sure previously if you wanted to stay around. There weren't many things that made you want to stay. But then there was her. _

You aren't sure where your feet take you or how long it takes to turn you in front of a small riverbank. But she's sitting on the edge of it. Skipping stones as she looks up at you. You don't have anything to say to her. So you walk over and sit down next to her. In your life you've always ended up riding out alone at the end of the day. There really wasn't anyone for you to hold onto. And it wasn't like you and Rory were anything anymore. But you wanted the chance — the idea of holding onto her. 

She speaks up first. Running a hand through her dark hair as you're watching her get ready to speak. "I messed up." She says after a second and you're not sure how to formulate a response. Rory was always the only person in your life who seemed to be able to see right through you. She was strong and always seemed to know exactly what to say to you. It bothered you that you weren't able to know what to say to her. "I skipped Friday night dinner and — my mom wasn't happy that I never showed. Never gave a reason." She finishes. "When she asked why I skipped I didn't have a reason. And — I don't know how to apologize." She admits as she pulls her knees to her chest and skips another rock into the lake. 

_ "Do you ever wish you had a closer relationship with your parents?" She asks you one night when you're stargazing. And truthfully your mom? Yes. Your dad he ran off. He could stay. Why should you bother? _

_ "That's kind of an odd question." You raise a brow.  _

_ "Nevermind you don't have to answer." She says and shakes her head. You can tell it was more a thought from her. And you wanted to answer. Want to give her a reason. You just don't know what to say.  _

You've never been good with advice or the whole feelings thing. You've always wanted to keep things hidden, it made everything a lot easier when people soon enough left. All of your heroes died alone, and you thought one day you'd fall into the same pattern. Nobody wanted to stay. And the fact you couldn't see through Rory Gilmore the way she could read you bothered you endlessly. "Talk to her. The way you two always have." You tell her simply. You want to reach over and wipe the tears off her face with your thumb. Help her figure out what really to do. 

There was this thing you remember hearing about called the eulogy of a dead man. It's easier to ask for forgiveness when you can, rather than wait before it's too late. And you know that you've definitely messed up enough to have needed forgiveness. But your own stubborn conviction made it so you didn't feel like forgiveness was something that was needed for you to keep going. You knew now that if you had asked for forgiveness and a blessing. Maybe things would have been a little easier. 

Nobody has brought this side out of you quite like the girl next to you has. And maybe that's what keeps you coming back to her. Maybe that's what keeps you going even when you think it's best to run in the opposite direction. You watch as she nods. "That would be the easiest thing… thanks Jess." You offer and look down to the lake. 

The two of you sit there for a little while. Silently taking in the sunset. You do ask a few questions and she answers honestly, just as you answer hers with as much as you can. So maybe just maybe, it wasn't all entirely in the past after all. For the first time in a long time. You had a twinkling of hope. 

You wouldn't say a cynic becomes a believer in one day. It takes years of growth. But sometimes that one person can kickstart something. 

  
  
  


**_"Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry. I'm setting off, but not without my muse. No, not without you."_ **

**Author's Note:**

> This entire thing was very different than what I'm used to writing. I wanted to write like a between episodes type thing though, just so I could get this out there. Fight me though, The Lakes IS a Rory/Jess song. It fits their entire dynamic and I love it. You can find me on Tumblr @gleaminginthespotlight if you wanted to come request a fic or come say hi !! So so much love from me to you.


End file.
